When I started this blog, I was writing much more frequently. But now that the dust has settled a bit, I find myself dealing with the same thing I've always dealt with when it came to writing - if I write something that doesn't seem perfect, I delete it and put the computer down.
It's a nasty problem that has been showing up in my life since I was in high school when I tried desperately to write the perfect paper for Selma Levy (arguably the greatest teacher I've ever known). And then it happened again in college when I struggled to deliver amazing work for Maryann Sunyoger (arguably the second greatest teacher I've ever known). Don't get me wrong - I love to write.....but when I don't feel my writing is good enough, I quit trying completely. It's a horrible struggle.
But with that said, I'm going to start writing right now....and see what happens.
Many years ago, I used to go to Mass at St Lawrence down near the campus of the University of Minnesota. I loved their 9pm Mass on Sunday (yes - you read that correctly - 9pm). The music was great - the homilies were meaningful - the atmosphere was relaxed. I thought it was perfect. At the time, I was knee-deep in the early stages of trying to figure out how to reconcile my sexuality with my faith, and looking back, it was a constant struggle. And then one night at Mass, sitting about 4 pews in front of me, was a lesbian couple. I don't know if their sexuality was as evident to the rest of the congregation as it was to me, but I knew. And I remember looking at the back of their heads thinking that if they could figure out how to make this being-gay-in-a-catholic-world thing work, then I could figure it out, too.
A few years later, when I was living in downtown Minneapolis, I sometimes went to Mass at the Basilica of St Mary. It was located just at the other side of Loring Park, so getting there was easy (so easy, in fact, that I really should have been there every Sunday instead of every 3rd or 4th Sunday). During that time, I was introduced to a little informal gay group at church - I didn't spend a lot of time with them, but I do remember one occasion when one of the other women mentioned something about Sept 8th being Mary's birthday.....and I realized I wouldn't be the only lesbian in the world who knew this stuff. Looking back, that event seems so trivial....but at the time, it had a profound impact on me.
Ever since I came out, I've had various people tell me that I still had a home in the (Roman) Catholic church....and I believed them. I knew it would be challenging, but I also knew the church was my home, and I'd figure out how to make it work....somehow. Because deep in my soul, I knew that my relationship with God was not damaged when I came out. If anything, that relationship had deepened in very profound ways. And I figured if the Creator of Everything could embrace me and my sexuality, then so could these humans I interacted with on Sundays.
It really did seem that simple.
But then things started to change. Those changes were subtle at first.....like in 2009 when the Lutherans decided to approve the ordination of homosexuals. The key word there is "Lutherans"....so imagine my disbelief when that was the topic of a homily at Mass. I mean, who cares what the Lutherans did? We were Catholics. I mean, really - the whole homily was about how our unfortunate Lutheran brothers and sisters had just made the worst possible decision by voting to allow gay folks (publicly professed gay folks) to become ordained ministers.
And then there was the Sunday when that adorable, young lesbian couple showed up at church with their new baby. They were so happy....so young and carefree. And I remember thinking that if anyone in that church dared to criticize this young couple, then I would stand up with them and walk out....and never return.
And then every Sunday after that, all I could do was sit in church wondering if that would be the day when I'd get so pissed off by something I heard that I'd have to get up and walk out. And believe me when I tell you that these thoughts consumed me every Sunday. Deep inside, I knew it would happen eventually. I knew something would happen....some day.....to make me so upset that I'd walk away and never look back.
And then the archbishop spent a million dollars to develop and distribute a dvd proclaiming the evils of same-sex marriage. A million dollars.
I mean, people are starving on the streets of St Paul and Minneapolis, and this is how he chooses to spend a million dollars??
Do people think that's what Jesus would do with a million dollars? Do folks honestly believe he'd choose anything other that feeding the hungry....clothing the naked....sheltering the homeless.....caring for the sick? Really??
Because at a soup kitchen in New York City that feeds 1200 people every day, a million dollars would fund their operation for nearly 6 months. 1200 people....every day....for 6 months.
At Feed My Starving Children, it costs 22 cents to produce a single meal. One million dollars would pay for over 4.5 million meals. Again, that's more than four and a half million meals.
But you're probably right, archbishop.....I'm sure Jesus would have spent that million dollars the same way you did.
And that's when I walked away.
In the end, it had very little to do with my sexuality....or my disagreement with church teaching. In the end, I left because I no longer had the energy to pretend to be happy in an environment that made me sad.
And if I hadn't walked away, I never would have ended up where I am now.....a member of a growing faith community that embraces me...and celebrates my love for Amy....and constantly reminds me that I am a delight in the eyes of God.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
